I Still Have a lot to Learn

Once upon a time I believed people were genuinely ‘good’, not the self-absorbed society we have become, an endless thread of me, me, and me spooling around boundless corners until the self is both lost and absorbed into a corporate paper doll image.

Each day I try to work on the idea of self. I am becoming. I do not want to be a cardboard cutout wearing clothes with fold over tabs, living in a paper house, driving a starched car, answering to a bendable boss.

I think everyone should work in a grocery store. We should all be subjected to the feet tapping and heavy sighs of the wearied work force as they get off late from work and rush to pick up a few things. We smile our plastic smiles and make small talk as we sack endless items until the customer scowls and growls I really would appreciate if you would just shut up, I don’t need any small talk. Yet we still smile our vacant smiles, wheel the groceries out of the store and thank our version of God for education.

Religion is not an organization it is a state of being. Some use church services as an excuse to forgive the bad deeds they are going to commit during the week. It is instant forgiveness in a speedy society like instant coffee and Polaroid pictures. I simply lead a simple life and treat others the way I want to be treated. What is between me and my God is simply that, it is between us.

I feel writing is one of the most difficult activities to do well. It takes persistence and perseverance, the repetition of write, edit, and write some more. I am rarely happy with what I put down on a piece of paper. At one point it was depressing, I had flashes of ovens and putting stones into my pockets and finding a lake, so I stopped writing. Guess what? I started writing again. PERSISTENCE, PERSEVERANCE

I have had several careers. I am somewhat of a Renaissance man although I really am a Renaissance girl. A career is something I have to do the rest of my life so I will be a poet, a writer, a college instructor and a daredevil but whatever I do I will strive to be the best at it.

I live life. I don’t want to look back and think what if? We all have regrets, but to date they are minor like a broken nail or a forgotten appointment. These things are nuisances but not the gut churning, I’m going to lose sleep over decisions that I’ll dwell on until I’m eighty and blame everyone in my life about how it’s not my fault, it’s everyone else’s or just life in general.

A friend once asked me, Why aren't you married? It's a question I get quite often. I replied, I don't believe in love. Call it self preservation. I have felt that gut-wrenching, palms sweating, heart palpitating, can't wait to get home and talk to that individual feeling. I've said the words I love you ONCE. When I love it's completely, whole-heartedly, entirely. So these days I date, smile a sad smile and HEAL.

I am not a financial guru. I live a modest life yet I don’t save as much as I should. Refer to the paragraph above. If I want to fly to Paris on a whim like an unexpected storm, I will. If I want to climb Mayan pyramids, I’ll risk the heat to climb every pyramid that’s still open to the tourists.

Family is important. They are a cornerstone, a foundation and a building block. I didn’t realize this until both my dad and my mom died. They were both ripped away when I was still fairly young. It taught me to live life, to take that vacation instead of putting off, to not wait until tomorrow because

what if tomorrow never comes and today ceases to exist?

First version published in The Bayousphere (2007)